Attachment Failure
We all need to attach, and developing a secure attachment to our caregivers is the way to flourish. If instead, we develop an insecure or avoidant attachment style, we will have challenges in our relationships. If we have a disorganised attachment style, we will suffer our relationships.
Emotional Neglect
Having an attachment failure (emotional neglect) very early in life, doesn’t only impact our relationships, it affects the functioning of our brain and our nervous system.
Babies are born without the capacity to regulate affect by themselves. That’s why they cry as if they are dying. The way their system learns to regulate is through the mother’s regulation and attunement to the baby’s needs. If the mother is dysregulated herself, the baby’s nervous system will continue dysregulated and won’t learn to do it right. That has immense repercussions on the development of the child.
Having a Dysregulated System.
A dysregulated system is originated when the baby stays in a high level of stress that it becomes toxic; it also means that the energy will be distributed in a non-optimal way and therefore, important organs and parts of the system and brain won’t develop according to plan, which creates a series of modifications on
behavior
perception
Rejection and Criticism
These changes in perception and behaviour, resulting from an dysregulated system will provoke rejection and criticism among caregivers and people the child relates to, which in most cases, will impede the development of a self. This generates insecurity, self-doubt, sense of inadequacy, and shame.
That will bring a series of strategies to compensate for the lack of confidence and the need to attach. This often leads to a series of behaviours that most people find offensive, disruptive, unacceptable, extreme, etc. which will generate more rejection, worse criticism, increased lack of confidence, and extreme shame.
And the vicious circle will go on until the levels of stress of that child —an adult at this point— will “break” into a system that stays dysregulated by default, an inexistent or damaged sense of self, a void in the experience of feelings, a fragmented personality, a lack of trust, and an extreme need to be seen, loved, accepted, validated, and protected.
Borderline Personality Disorder
According to Attachment theory, insecure attachment patterns along with a trait disposition toward negative affect and impulsivity are associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD) features.
