Narcissists carry internal shame from their youth. Whether real or perceived, they felt emotionally abandoned or ignored. Because early needs for emotional fulfillment didn’t occur, the narcissist grows up feeling a sense of lack, a sense of not good enough. This leads to a life of comparison, envy, self-victimization, and feeling individuated from other siblings, friends, students.
The core shame is suppressed and a false facade (fake personality) is developed through adolescence to cope with the external world. They betray their true selves as being unlovable, unpopular, ugly, angry, grotesque - often messages of shame that they received from a parent or caretaker either directly or indirectly. Into adulthood, they use their facade like an actor uses a memorized script. Learning through experience to be attractive, be funny, be memorable, be desirable, be sporty, be popular. They become socially astute and mirror the people who can help them, serve them, teach them, love them. Unfortunately, it’s not genuine and eventually, those closest pullback or become less enchanted. The mask slips. For the narcissist, their life becomes a constant struggle to keep people where they want them. To control and manipulate others by playing on sympathies and using conditional tactics to keep people from leaving (fear of others abandoning is a major underlying fear and motivation). Where necessary, the narcissist will abandon partners before they can be abandoned first. Reactions are childish but also abusive, petty, and selfish. The sadness is because a narcissist can never feel whole and loved for being themselves. The narcissist constantly needs attention, validation, and praise, but at the same time, they can’t ever be sure the ‘other’ is being true. When a partner says they love them, they know it only the good parts that have been divulged. Much of the narcissist true core is hidden under shame and fear. Most narcissists are prone to bouts of depression and disappointment.
